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Thursday, November 3,1977-THE BULLETIIM-9
By EPHRAIM KISHON
"EPHRAIM," the little woman asked, "do you think I'm fat?" "No," said I. "No, you're not."
"But you are!"
"Then so are you. Fatty."
Actually we're neither of us fat in (he full sense of the word. My wife may be a bit roly-polyish at the edges, and I somewhat prominent in profile, but that's a matter of how you look at it rather than what the scales say.
But we went and joined Lo^e Extra Pounds anyway, because we like to be in. Also, the little one's friends kept telling her all these monster-to^midget stories, like how this girl lost 90 pounds in a nrmnth, which may not sound like much to you but was a fortune for the poor girl.
At Lose Extra Pounds we were receivedby one lady who needed to lose many pounds herself, and one lean gentleman who served as a Good Example.
"Only three months ago he used to offer his seat in the bus to 'two' old ladies," we were told. "Now he's a ballet dancer."
HERE THE DANCER took over to explain the LEP rules. As soon as you join, he said, we open a file against you. Then you pay your membership dues, and for that V'our receive a weekly bran-washing and a printed menu.
Now, don't worry, you don't have to stop eating, only give up the good things in life. Bread, butter, spaghetti, schnitzel are out. So are peas, beans, nuts and above all, starches. No starches! Kohlrabi, on the other hand, you may eat as ,. much as - you lito?. Cabbage too. Sonie milk, and plenty of fish. ; Exercise is no good becuause it only makes you hungry. The best thing to do is to lie flat on the floor and take a glass of tepid water once-a-week. At the end of it you come here .to be weighed, and if you aroi't found wanting you should be ashamed of yourself, if you are, you get a pat on the back and sent home for more of the same.
"Splendid," I said, "I never did like exercise."
NEXT. THE LADY took US away to be weighed — shoeless but with our keys.
"Soriy, she said, "You aren't overweight enough."
Our spirits sank. That such a petty formality should keep us from jdining the Great Family of
Lose Extra Pounds. The maddening part of it was that I myself was on^ six lbs. short of the. required minimum,and the little one, being little, only three. They said we were lucky to be disqualified together; sometimes they had to aend only one half of a couple honie. People get divorced for legs.
We, at any fate, went home together and started eating our way through the entire list of forbidden foods, till we felt we'd qualify at least as borderline cases. Then we trudged back to LEP, and just to be on the safe side I filled my pockets with lots of small change — and tipped the scales
"Welcome to LEP," said the lady. "Now lean open a file for you."
The Good Example gave us our ordQ"s.
'Three big meals a day4" he said. "Don't starve yourselves. And vary, vary. If you get sick of cabbage, by all means switch to cauliflower And remember: starch is poison. See you next week."
WE RETURNED home and started on our diet. Our cheese was invariably white and lean, Our bread green and cucumber. Then we went back to be weighed, and almost died with shame because we had gained three ounces without a penny in our pockets.
"Yes," the lady pointed out, "I've seen it happen before. You'll have to be stricter with yourselves."
So then we ate nothings but koWrabi for a week and we didn'.t gain weight but we didn't lose any either: We felt badly let down, and were sent to talk it over with some
fellow LEP's to boost our morale. It turned out that the same thing had happened to them: it's a case of one's body refusing to cooperate. It just won't count calories' and what can you do?
"Skip a meal a day," one veteran LEP member suggested.
"Go swimming," said another, "and show your body what it feels like to weigh less."
The little one had meanwhile discovered an old pharmacy where the scales were out of order, but half the women of Tel Aviv were always queuing up in front of it — and anvhow, cheat as you may, truth win out at the LEP.
We soon realized we were stuck: no gain, no loss. I looked at the little one and, frankly, I was surprised. How come she wasn't losing weight?
I DID HAVE a vague idea why I wasn't—a little bird told me I was moonlighting in the kitchen every night. -
. The kohlrabi was getting its own back.
Actually I guess it was simply the seven-week itch. I woke up one night with an irresistible urge to smell the sweet smell of hot oil, and I knew I just hiad to fry something or rdbust. I wanted starch, lovely starch.
I jumped out of bed. tiptoed to the kitchen and emptied an enormous bag of popcorn into a pot of boiling oil. I sprinkled sugar over the white mountain by the spoonful and devoured the lot — fat, starch, poison and all. That was the beginning of my calorie binge. It was potato chips one night and whipped cream the next, and I really had a lovely time, even if. rather tiring on account of the double life I was now leading — days of legal, limitless kohlrabi, and nights of cakes and ale.
AND THEN came the confrontation.
One midnight I'm standing by the stove frying bananas when the sleepy figure of my wife enters, makfeS-stf^^ight fd^^^^^ laundry basket and digs up a doze'h bars of milk chocolate. She peels off the first wrapper, and with her mouth full throws me a conspiratorial
uestions about fyah
Q.: My Hebrew is poor, how will I learn?
A.: All new immigrants who do not have a good knowledge of Hebrew have the option of attending an ulpan, an intensive Hebrew course. This course lasts
serving
British CqIumbia
STUDY HEBREW IN HOME cm
five months and.is given six days a week (Shabbat off) for five hours a day. Immigrants from all over the world study at the ulpan.
During the course of the study, ulpan students are taken on tours and field trips as well as other group activities to acquaint them with life. in Isi-ael. Immigrants may live in absorption centres or
. riesidential quarters during the
^ ulpaih period.
IJpon completion; the new immigrant should have a good conunand of the Hebrew language. Special ulpanim dealing with the specific language needs in certain professions (science and math, education, health arid social services, technical fields, etc.) are also available.
It is, however, highly recommended to h ave some basic knowledge of Hebrew before getting to Israel so that one can cope immediately with some difficulties a newcomer is sure to encounter? For tWs reason it is suggested that the prospective imnsigrant study Hebrew while still in his home city.
Further information in Vancouver on aliyah is available from the Israel Aliyah Centre, telephone 266-5366.
THERE IS EVIDENCE in the Talmud that the illustrious Rabbi !??kiba yisited FVance some time' before the outbreak of Bar-Kochba'srevoTf in m OE.' ^ "
wink and generously offers me a bar.
We sat there for half-an-hour eating chocolate, till all of a sudden my instinct for self-preservation awoke. I crawled to the telephone and dialled LEP with the last of my strength.-
"Come quick... we're eating. .. chocolate!"
"Hold on! "the Example on duty yelled back. "We're coming!" . The car pulled up with a squeal of brakes. They kicked down the door and found us out cold under the table amid the torn wrappers. They only managed to save the last two bars.
"Never mind, my dear," the Good Example confronted us. "Thishappends to everybody: you r^ain in an hour what you've lost in a year of kohlrabi. Then yoii
start again from scratch.'
"Please," we begged, "No more kohlrabi."
"All right, Lettuce."
Biit we decided to leave LEP instead. We were failures, and we knew it.
SO NOW I am prominent in profile again, and the little one is roly-polyish at the edges, but so what? Fatpeople are kind, they're cheerful, and they rarely fly off the handle, on account of the tim.e it takes for the anger to spread through them. They aren't aggressive either, because they can't run.
So let's get fat, everybody, and let the devil eat kohlrabi. We're on the side of the angel cake.
Translated by Miriam Arad. By arrange ment with Ma 'ariv."
r.Terusalem Post!
WORDS OF WISDOM
THOUGHT OF WORK
Not work; but the thought that he miist work is what malices the lazy man tired.
Albert Brie
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