SEPTEMBER It 1962
THE CANADIAN JEWISH BBVIBW
A JEWISH VIEW OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE
By Rabbi Stanley Rabinowtti, WlHi Jewish Edittetort Serving At An EdltoHel Advisory Board; RsjprinUd Here With Kind Permission
Of The Bnai Brith Youth Organliatlon Which Holds The Copyifght
.1 (Concluded from Last Week)
If a man and wife are worthy, the Divine Providence abides among them; if not a fire will consume them.
�TALMUD: SOTAH
Young people are sometimes shocked when they find that love does not conquer all. When the children arrive, certain decisions must be faced. A parent may resent bitterly the mate who wins the silent battle and takes the children into his own church.
Even parents who are not totally committed to the Jewish religion, frequently,4�ar intermarriage because they Rnow from thehviiwn experience that marriage entails enough problems of adjustment without added complications. Knowing this, they would like to spare their children the extra hazards which a mixed marriage introduces. Also, parents are concerned about their grandchildren. They know their grandchildren will have an additional difficulty in social adjustment, not because they are lacking in personable characteristics, but because they may not fit in with the accepted pattern of American society.
Chance for discord may not be revealed until many years after the marriage. Tensions do not come to the for� during the early years of marriage when the glamour of love and sex is still forceful. But they can develop, and tend to increase, as the sex drive diminishes and the glamour and romance of marriage give way to the routine of keeping the home and tending children.
The reasons we select a certain mate vary with each person. When we choose a spouse we may have strange motives. But in some cases intermarriage may be an act of rebellion against parental authority.
The ultimate in unconscious rebellion is conversion to the religion of the non-Jewish mate. The Jewish partner may take this means of getting even with an over-assertive parent. He may not even be conscious that he is motivated by rebellion rather than love for the girl. A couple contemplating intermarriage must be aware of their motives and make sure that they are inspired by mutual respect and not by rebellion against parental or religious authority.
It is, of course, dangerous to marry for the WTong reasons. The various surveys made about intermarriage show that the rate of divorce or separation is at least three times greater when the marriage is mixed than when it is not. A recent study in Maryland of 13,-000 young people between the ages of 16 and 24 indicated that where both parents were Jewish only one out of twenty-two came from a broken home. Where both parents were Catholic, it was one out of sixteen, and where both parents were Protestant � one out of fifteen. But where the parents were of different religions, one out of every six students came from a home broken by divorce" or separation.
Surveys on mixed marriages conducted by competent psychologists give us the following conclusions:
1. Interest in religion makes for success in marriage.
2. Agreement between husband and wife on religion is an important factor.
3. Religious differences often lie dormant until the question of the children's religious training arises.
4. Interfaith marriages have a distinctly poorer than average record of success, particularly between immature people.
6. There is a positive relationship between parental approval and happiness in marriage.
In summation, every marriage is faced with the challenge of living without the aura of the romantic and exciting love that preceded marriage. It is true that the honeymoon is not everlasting. Age lays its elaim upon both partners. As the roan's energies are diverted more and more by the urgencies
of his career or job, and the woman's energies are taken up in bearing and caring for children, one or the other may suffer pangs of deprivation and with it the feeling of. being rejected. It is at this point that both must be able to shift from a marriage based upon the excitement ef young love, to a marriage based upon a much more sober kind of love � a state of mind where they still love each other because they have meant so much to.each other; because they have been through many difficult situations together; because they have children that they want to rear'together; and because they have consecrated themselves to one another. A common religious and cultural background makes this adjustment easier.
The Jexoish Home
A man does not achieve fulfill-ment without a wife. A wife does not achieve fulfillment without a husband, and neither can achieve fulfillment without God. �MIDRASH: BJSRESHITH RABBAH
The Jewish view of marriage demands that it be based on something more than love. It demands that God be the third partner in every marriage. Accepting the idea of God in marriage compels each party to think of the other as someone sacred, as a child of God.
The first and foremost commandment in our tradition is to be found in the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply." It is twice repeated at the circumcision ceremony that the 8-day-old boy shall be dedicated to "Torah, the nuptial canopy and the performance of good deeds." Marriage, to the Jew, was a sanctification of a person and a duty rather than a concession to man's lower nature.
Thy wife has been given to thee in order'that thou may est realize with her life's great plan; she is not thine to vex or grieve. Vex her not, for God notes her tears.
�TALMUD: KETUBOT
The word used to divine marriage in Hebrew is Kiddushin. It is related to the Hebrew word Kodosh which means holy or sacred. Marriage, therefore, according to the teachings of Judaism, is a consecration and sanctification of life. To consecrate or to render holy is "to elevate" and "to render exclusive." The marriage ceremony is basically a service in which one person consecrates himself to the other. The word kiddushin implies that he elevates her to a more spiritual relationship and renders her exclusive to him. Its purpose is to hallow and to sanctify the relationship of husband and wife. These are the words by which a man binds himself to a wife: "Be thou consecrated unto me in accordance with the laws of Moses and Israel."
The Hebrew words associated with the home give us an indication of the Jewish attitude toward marriage and the family. One important phrase is sholom bayit, literally, "peace in the home." It suggests "family compatibility," the art of "getting along together." We must share common ideals, common hopes and be willing to share common problems. Bitterness becomes sweetened simply because it is shared. Just as bride and groom drink from the same cup during the wedding service, so do husband and wife drink from the same cup of life.
The wife is a man's other self and most be so respected. An instructive insight is to be found in a Midraah in which the Rabbis asked, "Why did God make a wife for Adam from his rib? Could he not have chosen another of his limbs and thus fashioned woman?" And the answer is given, "God did not want to fashion Eve from Adam's foot for Adam would then step on her and deride her, nor did God take a pert from Adam's heed for then woman would be superior to man, bet God took a rib from the sfde of Adam In order to show that side by side man and woman should face life in equality."
While in other cultures the wife
was little more than, chattel, thee Talmud could say that man's life is indeed enriched who is wedded to a virtuous woman and whatever blessing dwells in the house comes from the wife.
If the traditional prayer book contains a prayer in which the man thanks God for not having been created a woman, it is not to be interpreted in deprecation of woman. It is, rather, an expression of gratitude on the part of the man that because he is a man, he � has an opportunity to observe more of the ritual commandments than does a woman, since there are many commandments from which a woman is exempt � such as putting on the tefillen (phylacteries) in the morning because she is occupied with the duties of the home.
The Jew's homo has rarely been his cattle, throughout the ages it has been something far higher, his sanctuary.
�JOSEPH H. HERTZ
In the age of the Talmud and. throughout the dark days of persecution during the middle ages, throughout the days in which the Jews lived in the Ghetto and up to recent times, there was an obvious uniqueness in the Jewish home that distinguished it from the non-Jewish household. This difference was to be found not only in the Jewish symbols, such as the mezuzah, the Sabbath candelabra, the Chanukah menorah; not only in the Sabbath and festival observances, but also in the values and the ideas that were part of Jewish living.
Students of family life have
pointed out that the effects of the traditional Jewish attitudes and values can be measured in statistical terms � at least as far as the behavior pattern of the children was concerned.
For example, few alcoholics are to be found in the Jewish group. The problem of delinquency among Jewish children was never regarded as serious. The traditional emphasis on learning, coupled with the desire on the part of the immigrant family to make the most of the new freedom and the opportunity which America afforded, provided the impetus for the child of the traditional home to do his best to excel in scholastic studies. The large number of Jews who have achieved prominence in the academic and scientific fields is out of all proportion*^ their numbers in the popuiejjro. In the culture of the traqmonal Jewish home, books and lewning were of paramount importiJ^e.
The 20th century has challenged the patterns of the 'Jewish home.
4-
It is sad to note that, according to one authority, a professor of history at a prominent University, the classical Jewish family directed by ancient Jewish tradition Is breaking down in the United States because of radically new conditions which have altered life in this country.
The disappearance of the mezuzah, the candelabra, the ritual objects and ceremonial observances may not be a cause of this deterioration, but it is certainly a symptom. By the same token, the pattern of guidance provided by the traditional father and mother is no longer as strong as it once was. It remains to be seen whether the Jewish population will continue to have a low proportion of alcoholics, criminals, and juvenile delinquents as in the past, and whether we can continue to make an Impressive contribution to the world's intellectual community.
Only the generation of young people reading this article can provide the answer to this question.
�5
A
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ft
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