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Judaism
Today
Benefits of forgiveness
A tragic accident tests the relationship of friends.
GIL MANN SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH BULLETIN
On America Online, there is a popular feature called Judaism Today: Where Do I Fit? People anonymously send in e-mail letters to the author of the feature, Gil Mann, and he selects one letter for a public response in his e-mail column. Here is a recent edited e-mail and Mann's response.
Most of us carry a hurt or a grievance against someone who we find difficult to forgive. I siispect you can easily identify someone you've had trouble forgiving. Keep that person in mind as you read the exchange of e-mails below that began last Rosh Hashanah. As you will see, what transpired was moving and healing. Especially at High Holy Day time, I thought that others would be inspired by the story and sought permission from the two writers to print their very personal e-mails. Understanding how others could be helped, they graciously agreed. (I have changed names and details.)
Dear Gil:
Our daughter, Ellen, was killed in a car accident 18 years ago. Her best fnend, Sharon, was driving when the car hit a bridge.
Her parents were very good people and our families were close before the accident. At first, we were very concerned for Sharon. Needless to say after shivah, etc., the relationship died of natural causes.
We recently found out that Sharon's mother died about a year ago. Sharon is now married and has four children including a new baby. She has never asked for forgiveness in any way, either by words or action.
Our daughter would have been 42 today. It is so hard to hear all the news of friends who are married and now have families.
What do you suggest? Toleration, to us, means put up with, to acknowledge. To forgive, as I understand it, is to ask for or indicate there is remorse for the past action even if it cannot be resolved - such as bringing our daughter back to life.
I have been doing bereavement education for many years now and have enabled many bereaved parents to find a place in their being to tolerate the intolerable. Most of the time, we don't think much about Sharon, but holidays do bring this to the surface.
Rose
Shalom Rose:
I read your letter with sadness. As a person who works with the
bereaved, I think you could give me more advice than I could give you ... still I will offer you my reactions.
First, of course, it makes per-■ feet sense to me that you think of Ellen and Sharon at the times you mentioned. If you did not then I would be surprised.
I wondered, as I read your c-mafl, if speaking to Sharon would be fruitful and healing for you. After all these years, I would guess that Sharon has not totally healed. My guess is that she had thought to speak with you but felt awkward, ashamed, , guilty or some other feeling ... and, as time passed, the feelings were muted but the awkwardness increased.
Perhaps a note to her expressing your condolences over her mother or a mazal tov on her children would work. In the note, indicate that you think of Sharon zuid her friendship with Ellen odcn and would appreciate the chance to reminisce a bit. I would avoid putting her on the defensive in the note and in person, but, if the conversation was going well, you could even candidly discuss what the accident was like for Sharon. I am not sure an apology would emerge, but something positive for both of you could.
And, if she did not respond to your overture... that too may be helpful to you (hurtful as it may be) as you will learn that Sharon is simply not at a place you need her to be.
Let me know what you think. Shanah tovah!
Gil
I sent that reply to Rose last October and never heard back. Then, out of the blue in January, I received the following e-mail under the subject: Remember Me?
Dear Gil:
I wrote to you around the Jewish holidays, explaining how they made me think of my dead daughter, Ellen, and her friend, Sharon, who was driving the car in which Ellen died.
It has taken this long to complete the task. After a number of phone attempts, Sharon and I finally connected and we had a long talk on New Year's Day. I felt it was a definite breakthrough. Then she sent me the attached e-mail.
I just knew that Hashem kept pushing me to do this as 18 is a very important number in Judaism. ITie fact that it means life made me need to do this.
Rose