By
A0LAI STEVENSON'S BURDEN
The Republicans haw had a great,luck In borders.' these matters. Another vote or two in the General Assembly and Red China woiild have been seated while Eisenhower held office. For 12 years this has been a campaign Issue, that the Democrats lost China.
Five years ago, the Republicans might have. " acted intelligently and realized Red China will be seated sooner or later. If they had. given her a seat in the 1950's they might have attached a whole string of condifionSt But we have lost this opportunity. China-^ill get in without conditions. In fact there might even be a cjuestion whether China^ill agree to come In at all. And this would~open for us a new problem, and a new phase of the. cold war. _ —
The Republicans surrendered any possible bargaining power for thr sake of this old political issue.' But when Mexico, Denmark, and Ireland, our closest friends, no longer see it our way, there is reason for deep concern The fimo has come for a reappraisal for our position.
Adlai Stevenson must prepare himself for the brunt of the criticism when Red China Is finally admitted. When he accepted Uie Ambassadorship, he took on a most thankless position. One of the campaign i.ssues in the Congressional elections of 1952 may very well be: ','Stevenson let In Red China." I think the Governor is aware of this risk; and so is the new Administration.
Logically, it Is hard to see why Red China should not be in the United Nations. There are enough obnoxious nations already inside the UN to make her admission less significant. A Beat in the UN will not tame her nor will th« lack of it. Red China Is without qualification the third greatest power in the world and very possibly in the. near future the number two positions will fall to it. Close to one-quarter of the world's population lives within the Chines*
RED CHINA WOOS ARABS
The Conadian Jewish News, Friday, March 3, .1961 - 5
HARRY GOLDEN--...h. o_ o».
ferehce, Ghana,. Guinea, and Mali joined Egypt, Morocco, Lybia, and the Algerian Nationalists In a resolution endorsing the.Arab attitude towards Israel. It reaffirmed the decisions, of the Ban-dimg Conference and In addition denounced Israel for her "present policy in supporting imperialism in the Middle East, Africa, and Asia". The alignment of African Slates v.ith Arab policy may be only temporary but the Arab ( Ttries will try to make it permanent. They are endeavouring to present their^ case to the world as part, of a general struggle of the~ Asian and African peoples against Western rule; imd in this they are supported both by the Soviet Union and by Communist China. Particularly the latter country has „ ^ ^ . . ,. ,. . tried persistently for years to ex.-
>f!!l^'!f ! Pand her influence in the Middle East and Africa; and her efforts may ultimately prove more im-
PEKING ■DANGER TO ISRAEL
By WALTER ZANDER
But. when It comes to the admission of the Red China into the United Nations we seem to renomice all logic,
Consider, for example, our deep concern over the several disarmament conferences and proposed summit meetings. Will we get some disarmament? Will the next conference on disann-ament be .successful? • Will Krushchev be less mdo the next time? Will the Soviet agree to this or that condition?
^ And if you examine the situation closely you will find that all of this reads^ike something out of "Alice of Wonderland." Suppose, for the sakejof argument, a disarmament conference did achieve soine degree of success? What kind of success? Will the United States and the Soviet Union dare to implement any degree of disarmament without agreement from China? And if the United States and the Soviet
degree would that not mean that they have de llberately turned the world over to China?
How can you have a disarmament conference without China? How can you discuss any of the world problems without Chhia?
But very probably Adlai Stevenson will take the rap and the blame for the inevitable. Yet everj-thlng Adlai Stevenson will say In the next four years affects -closely the future and well-being of any four grandsons, and all your children and your grandchildren; and make no mistake about It.
And so good luck to Adlai E. Stevenson, the United States Ambassador to the United Nations. As to his own political future, he is in a position now where he cannot possibly win, but I believe he will succeed In lifting up the thinking of the worid and give us Americans both pride In our heritage and hope in our future.
THE WASTE MAKERS OF VANCE PACKARD
Vance -Packard Is a responsible journalist. The situation engendered by ."planned obsolescence," wh.ch he describes In his- new book, "The Waste Makers* (David McKay; $4.50) no doubt exists, but his discussion of it is a little like listening to a discussion of the value of headache powders for cancer.
One of Mr. Packard's remedies is "Greater humility and idealism." The remedy is not ne-ces-sarily wrong—simply futile. There is probably no remedy for the simple reason that no remedy will prevail. And perhaps it is belter for people ,to buy a new car every two years and turn In the house every five. I cannot .see either of the^ ftcts by themselves as essentially evil actions.
Mr. Packard exposes the multifarious methods of waste evolved in the last 15 years by manufacturers and advertisers. The magazine Printer's Ink, when confronted by his evidence, said he was a nas^ty writer. How much more intelligent It would have been if this magazine had said fill of this is quite true Mr. Packard, but ai Jimmy Durante has always said; "These are tht condi'tions that prevail."
When car designers change their styling every year and put chrome aroimd the dual headlights, they are not trying to take advantage of us. They are simply providing the aesthetic they know we want. The aluminum car-grill is a profound expression of the soul of the American middle-class. It soon goes out of fashion, but our souls go out of fashion every few years, too;
Mr. Packard's real answer is that this mobile culture should stop dead In Its tracks and people stop buying things they don't need. This is to fill your stomach with the East wind. People are not going to stop buying and they are not going to return to the old days without a fearful struggle. The "old days" are gone, the
portant than those of Russia.
SUPPORTS ARAB NATIONALISTS
Chinese Interest In the Middle East and Africa revealed Itself for the first time in 1955 at Bandung. That conference was attended by nearly all Asian and African countries which by then had secured national Independence. The Soviet Union was not Invited. Instead, Conunimlst China played a leading part. In the Palestinian Issue she pledged — rather surprisingly—unqualified support for the Arab case; and while India and Burma counsel-
led moderation, Chou En-lal, the Chinese Prime Minister, proved to. be more Arab than the Arabs themselves. Tlie Arab States liad agreed to a motion, submitted by Afghanistan, which proclaimed "support of the rights of the Arab peoples of Palestine". But Chou En-lal proposed, albeit iin-successfully, a more radical formulation, and claimed that the case of Palestine was In essence similar to that of Formosa. As for North Africa, China naturally supporied the rights of the peoples of Morocco. Tunisia, and Algeria to self-determination and independencer
The "next time Chinarlnterven-ed actively In Middle East affairs was in the 1956 Suez crisis. From the nationalisation of the Canal onwards, she had Identified herself with Egypt, and when hostilities, broke out she passionately championed support for Egypt throughout Asia and Afri-sa. Mass meetings were held all over the country. The Ooyem-ment announced that it could "not stand idly by while Egyptian sovereignty and territory are subjected to encroachment" and promised Egypt "aU effective measures within our ability, including material aid". Registration offices were opened for volunteers to fight for Egypt, and regional recruiting committees were set up as had been done
O^ving to the settlement of the Suez crisis no attempt was made to i' -lement this threat, and there was only d^atched — after the withdrawal of the Brit> Ish, French, and. Israeli forces from Egypt — a message of congratulation from Chou En-lai to Nasser, with the oitfer of a gift of M.OOO.OOO Swiss francs.
FIRST RECOGNITION OF ABBAS
Even more significant il the present support by China for the Algerian Nationalists. On September 19,1958,. Ferhat-Abbas announced the establishment of the^ "Provisional Free Algerian Government", which was Immediately recognised by the Arab States. Three days later Communist China, as the first non-Arab country, recognised this govenmient, followed by North Korea and North Vietnam. It Is noteworthy that the Soviet Union, in view of her relations with France, has withheld de jure recognition up to the "present day.
In fact, Mr. Khruscnev at one time even expre.ssed confidence In President de Gaulle's efforts to promote a settlement. Only in October 1960. when Ferhnt Abbas \islted Moscow, Russia stated that his \isit constituted a de ■ facto recognition. When the uego-: tiations at Melun between the j prior to Chinese intervention in ' French and the Free Algerians i Korea; and the Egyptian Govern- broke down, the Vice-President ' ment announced that besides of the Algerian Government, Bel
not isolated but "supported by hundreds of millions of Asians and African.s". Chinai and Algeria, the Chinese Premier added, had in the past suffered a similar fate, having been "subjected to imperialist oppression and submerged in extreme poverty and distress". He urged the Algerians hot to_compron)lse with France — contrary to the hopes expressed by Mr. Khruschev, and the visit ended by both Governments giving a solernn pledge that Communist Chhia 'and Free Algeria would "unfailingly stand together". At the same time both agreed to establish full diplomatic relations.
GOOD WILL
In autumn 1960, FerhaTXbbas himself went to Peking, where i s^ch devicp^s as louring, troupes he was given a hero's welcome. . Chim.'.se acrobat^. In the eco-This time Chou En-lai proclaimed that the struggle of ihe .Alae rian people was an !nip<irtan; development In the "general revolutionary movement of Uk; co- fj'''- ''f Chitie.so e.onomic e.xhibi-Icnies. the signiflcanrc and In- " '
fluence of which far exceed^ hf confines of Algeria". An ni;r>'i»-ment apparently was rearhed about actual supixjrt. Thr- aa-
students' federations, and great political play was made recently in China of a visit of an Algerian dance and drama group, which gave performances In Peking, Shanghai, and elsewhere.
But China's Interest In Africa is not limited to Algeria. She has now established Embassies in the United Arab Republic, the Sudan, Morocco, Guinea, and Ghana. She systematically encourages visits of African delegations, and In the 18 months up tc September 1960, about a hundred such delegations have been to Peking. Chinese broadcasts to Africa now equal, or -even sui-pa.ss. thpse of Russia. In addition. _ popular attention in being attracted in many parts of Africa and Ihe Middle EasJss. by
non.iir fioUl. too, China is aciiv Thus islii. ha.s civrn a credit of '.'.').IX)0.(iiX1 dollars 'o Guinea a.<-compared with ;).').00().00(i by Ru.";
ture of the promised help i.s rlif. ficuli to a.ss^ss, but it Sfcnii thai Chinese or Vietiian-!f.>.p inili'ar.v Instnictors have in lact urWvi-d In Tunis, and money and arm.s are e.\pectcd. If not voluiveers.
Also btMow foveniment level link.s between the two countries
tioi,.'-- have, Ih'i-n orL'i'nised in tlif" yeirn'O. C'l^iinea, ;iMd the .Sudan I:i p<)l;:i('al doeiriri Cunimun isi Ciiina I.s more intransiaen: a;K! r.idjt-al iiimi the Soviet Union f'- !i present; and if i; ;^ cousi (Ipii'1 that China, .i? an ' Asiai. natiiiM. ,iini.^ at tiic lead, r.si'ip ol till .^sian iind .African peoples, it must, be a.s^unied that Av wW. try to r.xi-n an fver-innea.-ms Inllueiice in Afric» and the Mid
50,000 volunteers each from the kacen Krim, went to Peking, j "^'"S e.stablished. Me.vages ' die East, Soviet Union and Indonesia, 250,- There Chou En-lai assured him ' will have been exchang-
000 had been offered by China, i that the Algerian people were | ed between such organisations as
I'CoDVngi" Thi> Lor adiOi
News ond JC^N?'
Jewish
The Norih-American Scene
By ALBERT VORSPAN
1 J
LN ROCKWELL, EN
1 J
HALF
LEIt
The emergence of hatfrmonger (Jewish community leaders urged 1 vation of American civil liberties holding this conviction are fear-George Lincoln Rockwell, with ; a "rational" rather than an "c- In the fullest measure. This' ful lest the eniutional tuniiuii. liis ragged handful of followers ; motional" response to the bigot.! means that, far from denyijig brought on by the Rockwell af handed together as the American | JewLsh organizations urged the j free speech to antlsemlles, Jew-Nazi Party, poses no real threat Boston Jewish commimlty to ; ish groups have concluded it'is old days" : to the security of Amerinuv. "quarantine" Rockwell, t h u s , best to defend American llb«i> of "no waste," when my older .sister earned $9; Jewry. But the question of how j denying him the front-page pub-! ties, even for the antlsemite. The i pre.'<sive pattern wliich once a "triple-melting pot". In this for a 54-hour week in a factory. Today she .spends ; best to cope with this halfpenny licJty he avidly sought. This ad- recent nightmare of McCarthy- I sought to suppress the movie,' perspective, George Rockwell, iwice that much in a beauty parlor. (I have jiut i Hitler has pointed up, several • vice was completely disregarded. Ism in American life served to | "Oliver Twist^'. to ban "The Mer- • with all his ranting arid stnittinc. consulted her and -she says it's belter this way), critical dilemmas of Jewish or-, Some 10,000 Bo.stonlans — Jews strengthen the conviction that |chant of Venice" frorn libraries.il-, only a momentary nuisaiuo.
fair, might cause the Jewish commuhJty to tuni the clock back to the regressive and re-
.'\merira in whicli antiseminsni is at a low ebb, in which dlscn-muiation against Jews has dec lined dramatically, and In which American Jewry flourishes -as one d the three nuijor fail lis in
The way to solve this problem of waste 'i.s not to inveigh against the things which are, and cannot be changed, but to hope tn control- and guide the.^ impulses and direct them into a more advar.tageous life:
lEFFERSON AND "COUSIN" WAYLAND
During the past election, a controversy raged as to which of the two pro.spective first ladies, Jacqueline Kennedy or Pat Nixon, paid more for clothes. This was not the first time this con-trover-Sy reared its pointless head. 1^ has occupied the attention of the press, the public, and the politicians, themselves throughout American history.
Thomas Jefferson, the patron saint of liberals, the man of the people, used to go out of his way to avoid contact and contamination with the crowd. Jefferson who loved France, complained of Paris that, "There were too many people In the streets." Jefferson read Plato In the Greek, Montesquieu In French, and "Don Quixote" in Spanish.
He was so enamoured of English common 'law that he studied it in it,s original Anglo-Saxon and Middle English versions.
Jefferson was an aristocrat who loved France and its culture above everything else except his native America. On his table he insisted on French food and poured Freiich wine at both Monticello and the White Hou.se.
Patrick Henry, one of Jefferson's early cronies and who later, as Jefferson's bitter enemy, became one of the first American reactionaries, accused the President, from the political stiunp of preferring fancy foreign fuod and intimated such tastes made a politician unworthy of holding office.- Henry inveighed again.st Jefferson for eating roast beef and savoring the bouquet of a pale pink rO-se wine; "He is a man who has abjured his nation's, victuals," accused Henry.
Not so long ago. North Carolina elected as Benator Bob Reynolds, the famous isolationist;
because he Informed the voters of the single issue: namely, that Cam Morrison, the incumbent Senator, ate caviar. "That's fish aigs," said Bob. "Fish 9igs at J1.50 a bite. Thlrty-three-cents-a-dozen North-Carolina algs ain't good enough for ole Cam."
Because his new home had three bathrooms, my friend, Wayland Spruille, lost an election. Spruille, or "Cousin" Wayland as he is known throughout the State, comes from tlie Chowan River area In the easteni part of North Carolina and his home Is In the town of Windsor, which more than any town in America resembles EU-zabethan England.
"Cousin" Wayland had served many years In the State Legislature. But what with a good peaiiut crop and a few visionary investments in re.al e.state he was able to build himself a new home.
All his opponent did was to keep making speeches about "Cousin" Wayland's three bathrooms: "In the morning Wayland goes into the blue bathroom, soaps himself good and has breakfast. Before lunch 'Cousin' Wayland goes Into the green bathroom, and conies supper time our State Senator does not eat imtlll he goes into the purple bathroom." ,
His opponents' peixjration was that "Cousin" Wayland also used perfume "but you folks can' smell me and know I am still one of you good Tar Heel farm folk."
"Cousin" Wayland Spruille lost his seat, but so important was he that the Legislature as one man appointed him Sergeant at Arms so the old gent could keep acomln' to Raleigh. (Copyright by Horry Golden,& The Canadian Jewish News)
DATELINE: ISRAEL
1 111 ink
By Carl Alpert
As I Please
ENGLISH IN ISRAEL
. HAIFA -r Is English one of glish on a 1948 law which abolish- parents; second, the tradition in
the ohicial languages uf Israel? cd a . .standing British require- favor of English, which has ex-
DeiJartments of the Guvernineni ment for use of English., • isted .in this country for many
disagree over the answer. The The Minlstrj-of Justice, on the years; third, the ties with Jews
Ministt^', of Posts says no; the. other hand, says plainly.that the abroad, who for the most part
Muiistry of Justice,says yes; the official languages of Israel are ^'^e In English-speaking coun-
Ministry of Education takes, an Hebrew, Arabic and English. The tries.
ganlzjitional life in Anierica.
WANTS "FREE PUBLICITY"
RockwKll is a former Comniiui-der in the U.S. Navy, who began his anti-Semitic campaign several months ago by passing out pamphlets In Arlington, Virginia. Flaunting swastikas, he and his "storm troopers" boldly urged "the gas chamber" for "Jew traitors". Despite revocation of his naval reserve comnii.ssion by the Navy, Rockwell enlarged his plans and staged Nazi-like demonstrations in Washington, D.C. Thereafter, he gained national notoriety by brazenly seeking a permit to bring hLs Nazi .road-show to famous Union Square in New Nork City. In recent weeks, he and his henchmen have precipitated violent scenes in Boston and Pliiladel-phla by .seeking. In full Nazi iml-forms, to picket showings of the movie "Exodus".
RMkwell's deliberate campaign to "aggravate the Jews so bad" they would give him free publiri-ty has been -successful. The absence of a unified policy and a unified Jevrish voice tended to play into the hands of the foul-mouthed domestic fuehrer. When Rockwell sought a permit to speak in New York City — v.here half of the United States' five million Jews reside — Jewish orsarilKitlonal comi)etition and confusion resulted In near-chaos. Some Jewish organizations urged Mayor Wagner to grant a permit, thus associating themselves with the American Chil Liberties, Union in the contention that everj' American, however obnoxious his preachment, has the right to freedom, of speech and freedom of assembly.
I and non-Jews - poured forth in a frenzied counter-demonstra-
Jewlsh life can flourish only In i and to ; urge ill-considered «;roup i But his violent appearance on an atmosphere of freedom and | libel legislation i the Arherican stage will not be
I tion which, in the view of an on-.p of undiminished liberty for all ihe-spot observer, might well ^^^^^^ ^j^^j^^^^ unpopu. have "torn Rockwell to shreds" had not the police whisked him ■to safety.
SENTIMENTS VS LOGIC
lar views or associations, to speak and to associate. Those
The background ai:ain.st which Un unmbced evU if he compels
these dilemmas must be resolved. Is — it must be recalled — of an
American Jewry these dilemmas.
to face up to
(Copyright, Th« Canadion Jewish Nsws i JCNfS'
ambivalent attitude. And the vis- Ministrj^ publishes . the great. Yet despite these strong cbnsl-
majority of .the decision of.-the derations, the-Ministry Is bound Knesset in JIngllsh and 12-volu- by thejntltural treaty, to .extend tourist mes: of Israel's law have thus far the teaching-, of ^ French, and
confused.
An Enslisli-,speaklng
Who walks-lnto one of .Israel's^peared in English. trSislatlon. indeed^ reports, an appreciable
»usy. post-offices to buy a stamp,-, the Ministry of Education Is, Increase this year in .the teach-
. ,B€nd ajgjegram, purchase a pos- faced with: a dilemma. In Dec'em- ing of- - French hi the grade
tai money order, or. avail himself ber, 1M9, the Govemnient's of" schools, as well as_an. Increase In
or any-of tlie other fadimes^ Prance signed-a cflT the^lecTlBn of French-.as a first
tne post, will fuid that all signs turai-treatywh^^
^ne! f^"" -'^is etii- given an^ enhanced, status in the To be 'perfectly fair, those
S^ve?r7L"drS local schools. "Obviously . this whose oriJinaH mother ' tongue
,?J thi i/Jf i ?^ lt^ , "^^ the expense of was English must not forget thSt
use, the,Israel ^ is root- English, and there have been there are tens of thousands', of
ing itout. Since the creation of difficulties with parents . as a Jews in Israel who come
the State envelopes mailed on result. ■ : , , countries where ..tile first day of issue of a new
from
English' was
.,^.„, . , What Is the language situation almost unknown. A' good many
.postage stamp known as: First- Israel's schools? The teaching of these, as for example the Jews ^,.T'"^\, f ^""^ English generally begins ' In from Morocco, regard Prenchas
stamped notation: ' Day. of I.ssue" .ti,e 6th grade of School, and goes their mother tongue,' and they in English and Hebrew. As of on to the 12th grade, the last can hardly be blamed for wish-f r^TL" ' ''^'''-^^^y^^^ Jilgh-school. for a total ing their children to: learn that tne .tngiish. , .of s^6i years of instniotibn.;In language.
The post-office .spokesman thcf high schools, pupils adopt : rpj^gre is maintains that outside; of the an
J959 Geneva convention which ge,^________________ _________
established. Engilsh, Chinese,. T-hefe-are a few schools wherelS^.^Se today,, but if French con-' Spanish. French/and Russian..asFren(3.h^is the first language.and tinues to supersede English as Official tonglies/for telecommu- Engilsh the second. '. .the first language in the schools,
nicatlons, English has no formal In its own attitude toward the appears to be the goal under .world standing/. The official lan- languages, the Minlsti7 of Edu-. , ,v, .u^'
gtiage of theluniversal Postal cation declares that It must be the tenns.of the treaty,, then the Union, Is. Pr^icft. The Israel post; guided, by certain basic considera- situation-nationally may change
________ no. doubt that English
=f o? S. nominates .as Israel's second lan-
LACK OF, UNITY
Other Jewish organizations de nianded that the Mayor refuse the permit on the grounds that Rockwell would Incite to riot. Still others took a compromise stand, suggesting that Rockwell be permitted to speak but that If and when Violence resulted, Rockwell should immediately be ^rre.sted and charged-with a hreach of the peace. The Mayor listened -to., corifilcting reqiiests and took the politically expedient course: he denied Rockwell's application .for a permit. The^ab: se^lcc ,of^a unified voice for the total Jewish community — or;'at the very least, of,_one table around, which all Jpwlsh organl-. zatlons would meet' to decide policy— resulted in the usual babel of conflicting voices and the Ine-vitabie loss of effectiveness^ Un-dierscored again was the dilemr ma . of- Jewlsii organizational weakness.
A second dilemma illuminated by the Rockwell controversy was. the deep chasm which often separates J,ewish leadersliip from the .^ahk and file. Jew hi tiie cpmrnunity. The distance be-t(\y)^en. organizational policy and thfe actions of Individual Jews was palnfuily revealed in each of the\ communities faced by a Rockwell "Invasion". When Rockwell anhdunced plans to descend tipon Boston to picket the movie-house wJiiqiti WAS sliowing "Exodus"
The gulf between prganization-a'. positions and the views of individual Jews is vast. Most Jews in the cities affected were rxm-pletely obliWous of the positions of Jewish organizations; many would not be Influenced by such positions In any event. In Philadelphia, a meeting was held a few days before Rockwell's coming to prepare the Jewish commimlty for the impending ordeal. A Jewish communal leader ursred Jews not to demonstrate but. rather, to leave the handling of Rockwell to the (wlioe. Said a Jewish man, himself a refugee from Hitler Cremiany: You can give all the advice you want. If I can get to Rockwell, he won't get out of Philadelphia alive.
The Rockwell epi.sodes indicate that Jewish organizations in tlio | United States had under-estimated the Intensity of Jewish public opinion with resi>ect to an>-thing which smacks of Nazism. The recent spat of swastikas daubed on synagogues, the painful : memories revived by the Elchmann case, the effect of such books as "Exodus" and "The Last of the Just", and' such plays as ."The Diary of Anne Frank" and "The Wall" — all these have obviously touched a raw nerve in American Jewry. Thus, American Jews, at the moment,, are, disinclined to trouble much about the civil.liberties of such as George Rock' well or to view the problem of coping with him in-the measured- and rational terms which most Jewish organizations have urged.
And this raises stUl another difficult dilemma for American Jewish organizations. Should the so^alled "defence agencies", such as the American Jewish Committee, the , Antl-Defamatlbn League; the AmericMi Jewish Congress and others,, base their policies on the impassioned emotionality which now animates so many American jjews on thlS: subject? In short, _should Jewish organTzatiohs- "represent" these, feelings? Or,"on the other hand, is lt_the task of Jewish leadership to lead? In bther words, rather, than p^dertng to the pressure to fight hate with hate, should Jewish. leadership undertake the hard task of educating the Jewish, piublic to a more ma^ ture and imderstandlng view of the problem? ' 'v
LIBERTY FOR ANTISEMITES
For, despite Rockwell, most Jewisli organizations have over the years come to the firm conclusion that, "quuraiitine" is the best way to combat, the tjigot. Indeed, the denial of publicity has Jjfbved Itself., successful^ in reducing such antlsemltes a« Gerald L. K. Stnith to impotence. More Important, Jewish prgipl-zatlons have corbie |lncreaslngly to . believe.";that Jewish security.^ is best maintained by the preser-
HUMAN RELATIONS-
Rift After 30 Years
DR. ROSE N. FRANZBLAU
QUESTION: I am writing in rtftrsnce t« two friends of min« whom I'y known for over 30 year*. Wt ore oil grondporenH now in our mid-50t. Thii couple led a very nice, full life. In comfortable means, thought of very highly in the community, they raised wonderful children and never let e friend down. Above all, he never neglected her or his children.
Sometime ago, it come to the wife's knowledge that oil his life he had another women. (Incidentally, he was a traveling man.) When she confronted him with this knowledge, he did not deny it. She was Inconsolable and went to pieces. They ore living opart, the home broken. Both ore miserable.
She has somewhat recovered. But she feels that sh could never again feel the some to him, that she is riie laughing stock of her friends (which is not so), and that her pride was so hurt that she could never mend it.
I, OS a close friend, feel tha> they could start again and pick up the little pieces. He's very willing, but she's very bitter and can't see it yet.
ANSWER: Reconciliations would be niore frequent if wjves understood thot q husband's infidelity is sometimes due to feelings of Inferiority about himself, rpther than the feeling thot she is un-desiroble. A man with o good opinion of himself does not hove to go testing his desirobility or-or-troctiveness with other womeri.
Unfaithful men often treat their wives like goddesses, who pre untouchable sexually, except for the purpose of creating o family.
The wives often do not feel too rejected by the infrequent sex life or their husbonds' lock of sexual desire for'them. Deep down they really want it this way. When thoughts arise about the possibility thot the husband might find satisfaction . elsewhere, his seeming lack of potency consoles them. Since he isn't too desirous, of them, he > couid not be too capable with other women, they
reoson.
Now, looking back, your friend is furious with herself for not having responded to the warnings that came her way. It upsets her to consider thof while she turned away from the facts, other peopip may have been qware of what was going on and made fun of her for acting like such an innocent
Every woman's pride is hurt when the man she loves looks elsewhere for gratification. But for some women, having this Inforrtiation made public constitutes the greatest hurt. The husband's transgression, however assaultive it moy be, when it remains a secret between husbond ond wife is open to reconciliotion.
Your friend's bitterness and hurt ore certainly understondoble, byt they would not be so great if she did not really care for her husbond. While the wound is still so wide open, the time might not be optimal for taking strong steps toward a reconciliation, but it is wise not to wait too long. Although the husband has been the offender, he should not be kept waiting too long befor, his opologies and overtures for a reconciliation ore accepted. Otherwise his guilt, which is a forco for healthy reconciliation of his life', moy turn into resentment ond bitterness. At thot point, she loses her advontoges completely, and unless, she mokes the advances, he goes away for good.
The wife's pain might be olloyed if she could talk out her hurt and bitterness'with on objective observer. She might odmif to on expert what she could never admit to friends or relatives. The husband might have clorified foc,him the drives that led him to lead a double lite and hurt the person he reolly loves most. This couple could then rebuild the structure of their marriage so that the best of the old is maintained and the weok element.s discorded ond reploced by the-new .strength that comes from insight, understanding omi forgivenes'
er an
air
having to'.foce the problem then at the bad behavior which is at the root of it, It is somewhat like the concept thbt,"the fault, dear Brutus, lies not in doing wrong, but iri getting caught at.it."
QUESTION: My 18 years of marriage have been miserable. Almost from the very beginning my husband has been unfaithful. We hove three children. He it • braggart, self-centered and impulsive. He wonts to prove to tho world whot o greot sue- , ...
cess he is. He spends his lost dime to impress.
He told the woman with whom he hod his lost , . j ^^^^ you con odniit thot you hove not affair thot._h. wo, unhappily morned, ond wa. , f^om t ottock upon
getting o divorce. His whole Jojn.ly, with whom I ^^11 for the futurr that you
wos once, very close,: Jcnew of this offo.r. , _ . . J . ^
._Alth^.ugh:rwa, "PP"*''^;*: . joy'life Now you have^to»*termine : for .rouriilf .
thuaffa.r^unti^^j^'w^sjwug^^^^^^ IvhicK drive is greater, the wish to punish and hurt
woman I husbor^d. When I my-husbond, _ ^ ^ -g ^ ^ • Hup^ he^inflicted oTTyou, or
he, become defiant. How.vor, when-J-fmolly ^helwish ?o reoMy build a better life together. If
"•90l.«f«P. foroMporotion.^the picture ch«ged. "-f^^X^er" you will punish him by taking it out on Verbally he. won't, odj„.t h, Js^sorjy However, '-^is is another way^ avoiding an issue
some of his actions show it, and Our life is begln^ ^.^ about -a- knock-down^ond-dragrout
ning to toko on the somblonceof_a normal marr-^ ""'P "''"y" y ^ riage..J d.;wont ,to live, and enjoy life with him \ou should osk yourself why you expected his so much. ,• , :. family to be more loyol, to you than your own hus-
I hoveeompleNly broken tie. with his fom.ly. ; bond wds. You may'not wont to go to these of-. : It toke, .11 \lJ,TZn fairs because you are somewhat ashamed tp show
husbond, and the pom Is so deep thot | fj^d it p budy thot you took him back and, wont him as. : qlmost impossible to do the Mm^*o^^hem. .There . P^^^ J^^.^^ ,yos supposed to
have done and despite everything you said against him.. ■ ■ ■ ■■ - ■ ■
ore s«v«rol events coming up that will be oHended by these people. I connot see myself gotnq to them. I can't be false. I can't sec my husbond ottending alone (which he will do), I would hdte to see this as'a source for breaking up, after oil I've been through^
ANSWER: In every marriage, each of thi^ couple porticipotes In some way In the behavior, and actions of the-other, Sometimes if is direct and overt encouragement that one gives the .other for certain behaviour.. Other times, os In the,case of the olcoholic, it follows the pbttern of, punishrnerit preceding loving acceptance and forgiveness.
If these ore tho reosons, seeing them for whot
Sey ore moy rob therin of the strength to push ju around in the wrong direction. Creoting rolion- . lizafions for one's behavior reolly constitutes being motionolly false to oneself,
Your husband's, closeness; to his family must be^y'' ivaludted as d positive asset. It is from this sourcej/ .•hot his reasons for coming ;back to you and trying^;
Usually in these situatlohs the wife' is somehow , to bui.ld:,a-firm,and faithful hpme ond.morried life
dwore of whof is going on, but chooses to (6ok :. spring.''To moke, him breok away from his family
the other way and pretend to herself os well as to would,-therefore,^be to hiirt your own family life,
others that she did not know. Actually, the.octions ''Not only would you be showing real strength and
become rep'rehensive only when they are''brought .stature by going',tp'these events wiih your husbond,
^forcibly to her ottenti.on and she con no longer ' but you would qlso odd strength to his determines.-
disreoord them. Her fury, deep down, is'more' ot, tibn to make q/'gd of your marrioga.