^ The Canadian Jewish News, Friday, August 16,1968 - Pago 7
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HUMAN RELATIONS j^^lf;
SISTERS-IN-LAW
by Or. Rom Franiblau
MEETS SISTER FOR FIRST TIME — Mr. and Mrs. Sam Shaikin, who are visiting his sister, Mrs. RivkaLissog (center) of Toronto, whom he sees for the first time in his life. Mr. Shaikin left his native White Rossiafor the United States (he lives in Brooklyn, New Yorl^ before she was born.
My husband has amarried sister who told him that she prefers that he come with me when he visits her. We have visited her four times to her one. My husband drops in by hims^f on some Sundays as it is a big trip for me to take.
Now I feel that if she is that kind of a sister, I don't care to visit her at all. She seems to think that once you're married, you don't visit one anothersingly anymore. She says she wouldn't come to us alone. She considers her husband exactly as close in the family relationships as herself and will only come with him.
Are we right la considering her attitude abnormal, or is she right?
ANSWER:
Sometimes relatiuiships are confused by misdirecting anger to a person whoishotat fault, or by misusing a situation to precipitate the outbreak of hostilities.
A husband may take out on his wife hostilities what he would not dare to direct to an associate at work or even to a friend or relative. Vice-versa, a husband with adom-ineering wife who intimidates him completely, may assert himself at work, taking out on siibordinates, what he wouldnotdaretodoat home. A wife who is afiraid to fightwith her husband may choose ashertarge^abrbther or sister ofher husband, or ev«nhisparents.
She rationalizes that her tn-laws are to blame for his attitude and behavior. Had they reared him properly, she would not be having the trouble she has with him now. Of course, the fact that she chose him has nothing to do with the case, as far as she is concerned. When he remains inflexible and revises to change according to her wishes, it again becomes his parents' fault, and not hers.
What you are basically angry a^ut is that your sister-in-law has not visited you as of-
ten as you have visited her. From your point of view^ due appreciation and acceptance of you by your husband's family would dictate that equal visitation and recognition rights be observed, '
For your husband to agree to visit his sister alone, without you, would not realy be siding with you. It would rather bea way of continuing to exclude you from the family relationship. .
You are probably angrier with your husband than you realize, for visiting his femily alone, without you. At the same time, while you resent being left beUhd, you may enjoy being free of the responsibility of having your husband around and having to spend time with him. In a way, having him visit his family on his day off gives you time off from wifehood and marriage. Your husband may sense this and go offby himself to punish you.
Actually, by wanting you to come to visit along with your husband, your sister-in-law is extending the hand of welcome. She says, thereby^ that she likes you and wants you to be a member of the inner familf^ircle.
Your sister-in-law's attitude is correct, both psychologically and emotionally. You can (mly benefit Irom following it.
At the same time, you should egress to your husl)and and sister-in-law that you feel slighted because she does notvisit you often enough. You might begin by extending an invitation for a definite time, instead of waiting for her and her husband to df bp in. It can be very annoying to have pet^le a^iear unexpectedly — particularly when they expect to be treated like Visiting royalty.
Once the fre<iueticy of the visits back and forth becomes more equalized, you will probably feel more like an equal to your sister-in-law, and wHl be better able to enjoy being with her and her family which is basically what you want
TO HOST RECEinipN.-Mr. and Mrs. Nathan Hurvvich. who will be hosts at a cocktail reception at their home on Wednesday evening, August 21tt. in advance of the tribute dinner honoring Mr. Hurwfch whkrh will be tendered by Toronto Lodge, B'md B'rith, in cooperation with State of Israel Bonds. The dinner will be, held at Beth Tzedec Synagogue,September 16th. - ■ / . . . .. '
A HABIT
By Dr. Sonia Goldrein
"Fat people are not happy," so say the psycholo-^ts. "Indeed they resort to copious eating at irregular times as a stdstitute therapy." But are all thin people necessarily cnitented? Conditions likeanorexianer-vosa, in which pe<Vle do not eat because of profound emotional disturbances, show that they are not^ .
What, then, is the normal and how can it be achieved?
Eating habits develqp from infancy and, like all habits, can be good or bad. Anxious mothers spend hours with obtuse youngsters, persuading them to eat. "A spoonful for Mummy and a spponf^ for Daddy ..." carols the mother,, sweetly, cajolingly. The child's delaying tactics then build up an amdety in the mother for the child's welfare.
JEPHTHAH By Arthur A. Cohen
The last oratorio com-
Cd by George Frederic el toward the close of his life was based up<n the Biblical narrative of the career and passltm of Jeph-thah the Judge. Although Handel is sensitive to the pride and fall of Jephtfaal^ his tenderness Is really extended to Oe Mthfiil piety of his dau^ter, who was to suffer the coisetinence his outrageous vow.
The aria which fbUows her immolation, 'Waft her, angels* — supplicatory and confident fiiough it Is^s already a sentimentalisatira of ttie Biblical narrative, for if there be BibUcal tragedy, the hero is not the dau^ter who bewails her virginity and offers herself up to the knife but the foUy and hubris of Jephthah who bound himself with pride and was destroyed by it.
The narrative of Jephthah (JUDGES U-12, 7), despite the insistence of manyBit)-lical scholars that it is derived from two independent sources, possesses an uh-comm(m dramatic unity. Whether Jephthah's heroic accomplishmtmts as Judge are recounted in order that the story of ttte sacrifice of his only daughter be unfolded or idietter the narrative vi his earlier career is recalled in order te supply Hie raiscn d'etre for this fateful vow, clearly the tragedy of Jeidithah is the heart of ttie narratioo.
This is, as well, the way the rabbinic sources regard it Considering his career as Judge of Israel for six years to be of litde ecu-sequence, the rabbis einpha-sise wherever his name is mentioned the stupidity, vanity and ignorance of the Law vrtdcb led him to his ridiculous vow and its exe-cuticm. For the rabbis, Jeph-ttiah is an example of one who made an imprudent vow, moreover a vow which could easily hive been absolved had the High Priest Phineas not been so proud as to disdain Jephthah and Jephthah so vain as to be indifferent to theHighPriest's counseU For the rabbis, Jephthah is bat the occasion for the booiiletlc expositioD of a culpable and fixdish
leader.
Jephthah seems a tragic hero, for he was, as Aristotle designates, a man of power and authority, more grand than those who would behold hiin, but no less vulnerable to tiiose torrential claims of glory which annoy tiie gods and encourage them to chastise. Jephthah, like OedipuS, makes a vow, and bis vow, flung before his multitudes, no doubt in the enthusiastic hours before be joined battle against the Ammonites, was that if God would deliver the Ammonites into his hands, 'then it shall be that whatsoever Cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace.. .it shall be the Lord's, and I wlU offer it up for a burnt-offering."
Jephthah triumphs and the Ammonites are subdued. He returns to Us home in Miz-peh and there comes forth from his house to greet him, 'with timbrels and dances," his daughter, and Jhe text adds with an extraordinary compassion and simplicity, 'and she was his only child, beside her he had neither son nor dai^ter."
Presumably Jephthah repented his vow, but it is his daughter vdib holds him to its letter, saying: 'My fother^ thou hast opened thy mouth unto the Lord; do unto me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth." Having confirmed Jephthah in his resolve, she then" pleads that he permit her a respite of two months that she might go into the inountain with her companions and 'bewail her vir^ty." At the end of her seclusicn the Bible speaks succinctly: 'Sie returned unto her father who did with her according to his vow; and she had not known man."
BIBLICAL TRAGEDY : It is simple and yet in its naked simplicity arouses horror. BaruchKurzweil, the eminent Israeli literary critic, in an essay on "Job and the PossibiUty of BibUcal Tragedy" (lyyun. VoL 12.
Number 3-4, October, 1961), does not speak of the story of Jephthah, although he considers the tragic possibilities offered by the stories of Cain, Abraham, Siul, Moses, Job. ICur zweil argues that the Bible, leaving ho room for an existence without redemp-ticm, does not offer the option of tragedy. Presumably tragedy is to be defined as ^ without salvation.
And there is surely truth in this, for the audience that reads Scripture (not the audience that views DIno de Lau-rentiis and J(M Huston) in an attitude of 6{E|lief knows that what was told there is part of the history of salvation, that even the irrational episode, the non sequitur, the unresolved ambiguity is part of a ccmtinulng divine-human process, to be resolved, to be consummated. There is only tragedy for iOir zweil when the audience is moved to "pity and fear"\ by the similitude between their condition and the afflicted nobility before them. Tragedy is didactic, not redemptive.
Kurzwell's view of tragedy, of course, assumes that the Bibleis aU of apiece. Though not wishing to raise here the controversies that exacerbate Biblicists. there is littte doubt that the Bible is acom-plex document Whether of a single hand or bshioned by many, it reflects the pagan underground of ancient Palestine as surely as it bequeaths the foundation of Jewish existence and salvation. I cannot helpbut regard the story of Jephthah's vow as testimony to that pagan substratum. God is present, but it is the God of dike, of a supervenient Justice. God is offended and God punishes.
It would have been sufficient had Jephthah been courageous, fought valiantly, judged excellently, for God would have delivered the Ammonites to him. But Jephr thah exceeds the measured line which is the border between the competence of man and the suzerainty of God, and God smites him. He vows and the. logic of the vow, its
inexorability, is carried to its condusira. God retires and aUows the working of Jephthah's pride and Jephthah's self-arrogation to bring about his down&U.
According to some sources, Jephthah dies an unnatural death: fragments of his flesh fell from his body at intervals and were burled where they fell, so that his body was disbributed throughout the land. In "The Legend of the Jews," L<nils Ginsberg says Jephthah was dismembered (VbU IV, p. 46).
Tiie grandeur and horror of the, story of Jephthah's vow is precisely its tragic persuasiveness, for in this narrative a portion of a universe already made sacred breaks away and floats tree from "sacred history." Or perhaps it is but a warning that God is sometimes ston-ey-faced, flinty, ccmtemphi-Ous of our condition.
I confess that I am comforted by the knowledge that there is ,this story in the Bible, that the story is told and never recaUed again throughout Scripture, that the rabbis reaUy ignore it but that it is there complete and unvarnished -- a Bibllca story no different firom a sequence Of stories that run through the literature of the West Think only of Piave's libretto for Verdi's "Ern-ani" (based do aplay by Victor Hugo) and one can see ttie bathos tovrtiich vain vows can be brought The proto-I type of all these is Jephthah's tragic vow.
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I LIKE ISRAEL
Overheard between two guests in a restaurant: "This Carmel melon is delicious. It's making me quite pro-Israel."
OLD BUT STRONG
Israel Zangwill's story of two Jews is as old as the hiUs, yet it endures:
Two Jews were waiting to be converted but the bishop was delayed. One turned to the other and said in Yiddish:
"Cbaim, unless he comes quickly, we'U be late for Mlncha." v
REJOICE IN ADVANCE
During one of his venomous addresses on the Jews, Hitler noticed that someone occupying a front seat was laughing bUariously. This disturbed Hitter very much and when the address was over he sent .word to the stranger that he wished to see him , in the adjoining cafe. The stranger reported.
"Aren't you a Jew?" asked Hitter. "Yes, sir."
"Why then were you laughing during my address? Don't you know that the Nazis are
going to carry out aU their threats to the Jews?" . "I am fully conscious of this danger, and that's just why I laughed," replied the Jew. "You see, we Jews have had enemies like youbefore. Phaxaoh wished to enslave us and, in honor of our re-dempUon, we celebrate the beautiful fesUval of Passover. Haman wished to do away with us and, in honor of our escape, we celebrate the joyous festival of Purim.. The destruction of, every en-' emy has brought us aholfday. You hate us even more than Pharaoh or Haman, and I have therefore been laughing in anUcipaUon of Uie great holiday which we are going to (*serve after we get rid of you.*'
LUCKY
Getzel: Do you know, I have been saying to myself that we Khelmer are very lucky ttiat we were born here and not in Paris.
Gimpel: What makes you think so?
Getzel: If we were born in Paris, everybody would have considered us deaf and dumb, since we don't know a word of French.
by kuthie-
CLEAN YOUR PLATE Eating habits are alsotied to social customs. The foods one eats, how much, and when, is dependent on the social habit of the group into which one is born, and on the fashion of the moment SociaUy, ttie English five o'clock tea is a pleasant way of gathering a famUy around a laden board; figure-wise it is most damaging. As Uie most starch-laden meal of ttie day, it casuaUy ignores a balance of input with output
A too-liberal abroach to gastronomic Judaism can be e^pially disastrous, however delectable and ttme honored the dishes, be they lokshen pudding, kneidlacb, farM, tsimmes and, of course, with correct ttme intervals observed, cheesecake.
Like all machines, the body produces energy. This is reckoned in (Tories, which are a measure of heat Each body has its own individual expenditure of energy. Those who lead a sedentary existence e^ndless energy than those who do manual work or athletics.
For the genuinely overweight, the portty gentteman or the amply proportioned matron, weight control is desiraUe. Extra weight taxes the pump, which in the body is the heart And it is no good declaiming, as one gentteman was heard to do, that he was not overweight "I am not too heavy, I am just short for my weight I should really be eight-foot-six taU."
The social ones, whose lives revolvear(Nu4apertif5.< and many-ccNu^ed dinners, those devoted to civic life or many functtcns should memorize certain basic facts. A whisky, ginorsher-ry is equivalent to an egg. Three double-whiskies means six eggs. Two ounces of nuts or potato crisps handle 300 calories on their own. An ample nibble with several drinks should have assuaged any average appetite.
In aU these things it is necessary to be balanced not only in one's dieting habits, but also in one's approach to eating. Do not become too insistent that exact quantities suggested bydiet-icians be consumed in the prescribed proportions and the prescribed time. Do not make it aU a desperate measure, so that mealtimes, instead of being pleasing social famUy gatherings, become pitched batttes. You, the cook, against them, the obdurate family.
It's a good thing Trii a female because I love to daydream. If I were a man, I wonder how I'd have time to make a living.
Like Papa used to ay all the time, "Vusshluffstdu, vus (why are you sleeping, why)? " And he'd punctuate that with a djukh (punch) which was his idea of a love ■ tap. ■
Mama and Papa thought I never did any homework. And to tell the truth, they were right.
There I used to sit at the dining room table, books spread out, head in hands, face looking absorbed. But was I studying? A nekhHgen tug (a yesterday's day).
Never fear, I was consciencipus enough. I gave myself forty-five minutes a subject. You know, Latin, math, biology, English. So thirty-five minutes I wasted and ten I dug.in.
But I never called it a waste. Because I always got an earful of viAat went M in the kitchen.
(I can say this freely because my kids won't know, I hope. They're in camp and they won't see this, thanks to the postal strike).
To get back, our place was open house twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. And Mama and Papa reigned supreme. Everybody came to them vn'th their problems. And when they were excited their voices weren't exactly hush-hush. So I learned a lot- - though not from my books.
• ••*••••»•««.«
But when the house was still, which was very rare, you think / could concentrate? I don't know, I fust wasn't made like that, it seems. Because I'd become so drowsy. Then my mind would wander far, far away; it was a total blank. And if I did jerk back to reality, I'd think, why did I have to study altogether?
I must have had a fantastic mind at one time, thou^. Because just let us have an exam, and I was a whiz. In no time flat f could memorize a volume. So that saved the day forme.
' 'On eizenem kupp (an iron head) " Papa would complain ■ - with a djukh. as usual. " ven ess vult nurr gevult (if it only wanted)."
«•«••«««•**«*
Daydreaming is natural if it's kept in tow. Channeled in the right direction, it could be very constructive. All you need is one good dream to trigger off an ambition then, presto.
Like, I always dreamed of marrying a millionaire. Did I? Nah! I got hitched to the guy I fell in love witii. But I feel like a million anyway.
««»»»«*«*»»♦»
. My pet ambition novir? j/jfell, I daydream that in die winter I'm someplace hot and in the summer I'm someplace cold.
All winter long I sit in one spot thinking how nice it would be to lie someplace on the sand, gaze out into the sea. get a nice tan.
Nu, so when it's summer, like now. I can do all those things. So what do I do?
I face the sea, gaze faraway - ■ and see nothing. Because my mind is wandering again.
What am I thinking about? Honest, 1 don't know. If someone would tell me. " A penny for your thoughts," I'd say they're not worth half.
Every now and then I pinch myself back and remind myself that here's die seal wanted, the blue sky I yearned for. the tan I'm getting.
It doesn't help. My sun-oundings are too peacefuL I sit like a bump on a log and w'sh nobody bothers me. (Copyright 1968. CJN)
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